Are We Dating Our Mothers’ Fears? by Aakriti Sanghi

Are We Dating Our Mothers’ Fears? by Aakriti Sanghi

As I write this, just moments ago, I was scrolling through Instagram. My feed was flooded with clips from Mrs., a Hindi film that is a remake of the Malayalam film The Great Indian Kitchen. The unsettling visuals struck a nerve, stirring something deep within me as if my childhood fears were enveloping me like a tornado.

Having witnessed my mother and aunts navigate their lives as homemakers, especially their sacrifices and endurance while battling patriarchal traditions—a reality shared by so many married Indian women—I have gradually developed my own take on love, partnership, and marriage.

However, it often makes me wonder: How much of my perspective is truly mine, and how much have I unknowingly absorbed? Can we unlearn the love stories we grew up with, or do our mothers’ silent experiences shape our hearts in ways we don’t fully realize?

Let’s unravel this dichotomy.

Lessons in Love: Stories of Unlearning and Rediscovery

A millennial daughter, who requested anonymity, shared how her mother’s past deeply shaped her own views on love and relationships:

“I never saw my mother’s first marriage. She had been divorced for years before she met my father. But even in its absence, its presence was felt. She told me she was too afraid of falling into another abusive relationship. Learning about her experience shaped the way I view marriage and love.”

The respondent further admitted that even though she doesn’t live in India, she struggles to see Indian men in a romantic way because of what her mother went through. “I know that sounds unfair, even irrational, but I try hard not to let that bias control me,” she adds.

Another millennial, speaking anonymously, reflected on his experiences as a son: “I grew up watching my mother give everything—her love, time, and soul—to support my father’s business, only for it to fail. She never complained, though. She picked herself up and found a job to rebuild our lives.”

But he also saw the other side. His father’s insecurities ran deep. He hated when she laughed in meetings, got furious if she spoke to other men, and once lost his temper just because a neighbor mentioned her promotion.

Witnessing this from a young age, he made a silent promise to himself:

“I decided I would never become the man my father is. I would remain devoted to one woman and never toy with people’s feelings. I strive to always listen before reacting, to support rather than control, and would make sure my partner always felt safe, valued and free.”

The Ripple Effect of a Mother’s Struggle in Marriage

Stories like those above are not isolated. Many children carry their mother’s past into their approach to love and commitment. Dr. Gayaatri Reddy, a psychologist specializing in issues related to stress, anxiety, and mental trauma, explains how different children process their mother’s relationship struggles in distinct ways.

“For daughters, this dynamic is often extremely intense because they see their mother’s life as a preview of their own future,” says Dr. Reddy. She observed that many become their mother’s closest confidante, a role that can feel overwhelming. She pointed out that some, even at 15, find themselves “essentially playing therapist” to their mother.

While many grow up thinking, ‘I will never let a partner treat me like that,’ she noted that breaking free from ingrained patterns “isn’t always straightforward.”

Sons, Dr. Reddy further explains, experience a different kind of internal conflict:

“They love their mothers deeply and want to protect them, but as they grow into their own identities as men, some reject the behaviors they saw at home, while others struggle with anger or become overly protective in their own relationships.”

For LGBTQIA+ kids, the challenges are even more layered. For example, witnessing marital difficulties can make it hard to form deep, trusting connections, often manifesting as fear of vulnerability or difficulty maintaining long-term relationships. Additionally, navigating their own identity journey may further embroil their ability to trust and feel secure in relationships, as they may also grapple with fears of rejection or invalidation.

“The striking part is how these patterns resurface later in life. Some people actively work to break the cycle, while others unknowingly repeat it until they are already entrenched in their own relationships,” adds Dr. Reddy.

Personal experiences, like the one shared by Priya* below, are a reflection of this ordeal.

“Growing up, my mother’s experiences in marriage shaped my views on relationships,” says Priya*, a Gen-Z whose parents now share a strong bond, but in their early years, her mother struggled with constant interference from her in-laws.

She shares that her father, often caught between his wife and parents, often chose the latter, which deeply affected her. She says, “My mother often advised me on choosing the right partner, emphasizing respect and independence. As a result, I developed strong expectations; I wanted to be my partner’s first priority and to have a relationship free from parental interference. Over time, I have softened these views, realizing that balance is key.”

Priya* further shares how she had imbibed her mother’s way of loving and giving endlessly without expecting much in return until her partner helped her see that love should be mutual:

Her grandmother believed a husband was ‘parmeshwar’, a god to be served and obeyed, a belief her mother had internalized too. “With me, the shift is gradually happening,” she said. “I don’t see my partner as someone to worship but as an equal. Love isn’t about devotion but choice. And I choose a love where I am not lesser.”

Why We Love the Way We Do: An Expert’s Take

Elaborating on the transmission of generational wounds, Shahzeen Shivdasani, a relationship expert and author of Love, Lust and Lemons, explains that children often mirror their parents’ emotional patterns or overcorrect them. “If a parent was emotionally unavailable, a child may develop attachment anxiety, craving reassurance. If love felt painful or unstable, they might become avoidant, keeping partners at a distance,” she says.

While negative experiences at home often leave a lasting imprint on how we navigate love, it’s also important to recognize that even when relationships are modeled in a healthy way, personal experiences don’t always follow the same path.

Avi*, a millennial son, grew up in a household where love was built on respect, communication, and kindness. He admired his parents’ happy, fulfilling marriage, especially the way his father treated his mother, and carried those lessons into his own relationships.

“I have always strived to be respectful and considerate,” he says. “But despite this foundation, my own experiences with love have been far from ideal, leaving me with deep-seated skepticism about relationships.”

Breaking Free from Emotional Patterns: How Much Control Do We Have?

According to Shivdasani, it is possible to break generational patterns or emotional cycles. “Awareness is the first step,” she says. It requires intentional effort, including self-reflection, inner work, and, in some cases, therapy focused on past trauma or parent-child dynamics.

“It’s about making relationship choices based on what you truly want today, rather than out of fear or past conditioning,” she notes.

Note:

Names have been changed at the request of interviewees to protect their privacy, indicated with an asterisk (*).

This post is written by one of the winners of the writing contest on Love And Desire In All Forms in collaboration with Youth Ki Awaaz.